Hope

This is what I get for having hope.

Happy for You

To be honest, seeing you two together makes me uncomfortable; angry even.

I know it’s my fault.

I told myself it was because I wanted to give you time to recover, but the truth is that I chose to waste the time I could have had with you to do things that help no one: especially myself.

To be even more honest: I don’t think I could have ever loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

I do hope you two are happy together.

I’ll do my best to be happy for you.

Hate

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since last Tuesday.

I hate that…

I got so content being by myself, and then you came along. You held me close: I could feel your lust, your heat… your skin.

I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to kiss you, to love you, to possess you!

You reminded me of all the things I wanted to forget about love and desire.

Now I feel broken, empty, and alone, and it’s all your fault!

I HATE YOU!

Survival

You are all I think about these days. I leave my house every day with the hope that I’d see you…

You’re not always there, though you belong to someone else, so I understand.

I cannot go on like this.. I cannot do this to myself again.

I have to let you go. I have to numb myself to you.

It’s the only way I’ll survive….

My Dreams

Hope escapes me these day…

I have a hard time waking up. I get lost in my dreams and when I wake up, I push my back into the dreams, because I’d rather live in my dreams than live in the real world.

Another Fool

I’m having a hard time not thinking about you. You’re so wonderful, and your smile is… intoxicating, to say the least.

Every time i try to concentrate on something, there you are, smiling at me.

I want to hold you so tight and never let go!

But I know, to say something so rash would just make me a fool.

Just another fool in love with you.

Literally Virtual

It has been a long time since I’ve written here. It’s hard to write. It’s hard to put words to paper on how i feel.

I tried the last few years to depend on people, and they’ve all failed me, so I’m on my own again, with my thoughts, and I have no one I can talk to about them, so I just scream endless here, on this blog, in the middle of literally virtually nowhere.

Monster

I feel angry a lot lately.

Always frustrated and constantly on the verge of exploding on everyone around me.

I hate being like this. I hate feeling like I’m dragging everyone down with me.

I don’t want to be this person…

I hate him: I hate the person I see staring back at me in the mirror.

He is a monster.

Wake Up

I had a dream last night that I had a girlfriend and she gave me a hug.

As soon as she started hugging me I realised I was dreaming but it still felt so real.

I didn’t want it to end so I held onto her tight and soaked in the feeling of being held and being loved.

I committed to memory every second I had with her: Her warmth, her smile, her love.

I cried and I didn’t want to wake up.

Silence

I don’t really know what I did to deserve your silence…

I thought we were connecting and I felt like we were closer than we have been in a long time and then, you just stopped responding.

At first I thought you were just busy, but days turned to weeks and now I’m left confused and heart broken.

Just tell me what I did, or what I said. You know I’ll apologies and correct my behaviour.

Maybe you don’t want that. Maybe you’re happy to have an excuse to have nothing to do with me.