Weight

I feel like I want to cry, as emo as that may seem. There is just something heavy in my heart and I need to get it out. The problem is, I don’t what I need to grieve over. I think of the problems in my life and as sad as they make me feel, they don’t overwhelm me. Sometimes I start to well up for no reason: watching a movie, looking at the evening sky or just waking up.

I hope I can find what I need to let go of soon before I lose it all.

Gravity

It’s late. I’m tired but not sleepy and I’m waiting up for someone who may not come home. I’ve become too dependent on others for comfort and security, I’ve forgot what it means to be independent. When you share your world with someone, even if it’s not your entire world, for 3 years, it’s hard spin on your own anymore: you become dependent on each other’s gravity.

Tiffany

I don’t know what I was thinking. It was obviously a bad idea, but I did it anyway. I felt lonely and scared, I just wanted company. I thought it would be easier to talk to a complete stranger, but I was wrong. I gave too much of myself to her. I told her things, I would have never told anybody. I poured my soul out to this lady of the night, as she sat there, looking at me with this look I couldn’t place. Was it fear? Was it curiosity? Maybe it was a bit of both. After all, how often does she have to visit someone who only wants to talk?

Her fingers slide up and down my arm, a little hesitant: I liked it. Her nervousness makes me less nervous. I wanted to be guarded, I wanted to be sure it wasn’t just an act. Maybe she was just that good, but I believed her anyway, I needed something to believe in. We spoke for hours and we lived in a little world for a while where anything was possible. In this world with her, I imagined that we would click and what started as business would turn to pleasure. Could she fall for me? Could something as crazy as the two of us make it in this world?

I told her that I didn’t care that she sold her body, it wouldn’t stop me from loving her. She smiled, I smiled, we held each other close and we fell asleep. She twitches in my arms, signs of old abuse to go with the scares on her body. She said that she was just an active child, but I’m not stupid. She grinds her teeth, so she’s stressed, who wouldn’t be, sleeping next to a man who paid to put her there. Am I just another job to her? Am I just another result of abuse and neglect?

What am I saying? I don’t even know if any of this is true, I just have an active imagination. I’m a silly man with a silly dreams of the impossible. When she left the next day, I was sad, sadder than I thought I would be. I wanted to just stay at her side forever, to talk about the world forever. About the movies we watched and the adventures in our lives. I wanted to hear more about all the places she had been and all the places we would go.

But it wasn’t meant to be. She broke my heart as I thought she would and disappeared into the night, like she was meant to. Good bye Tiffany, you taught me an important lesson in this life, that money is more reliable than love. And the price I paid for that knowledge was my heart. Carry it with you well and show it a world I will never know.

In-Sanity

Sanity is such a tricky thing. How do you know when you have it and when you don’t? There is a saying I heard once: “Crazy people don’t walk around all day wondering if they’re crazy or not. They have better things to do.” So now that I feel like my sanity is slipping, am I really losing it or do I just the illusion that I’m losing it?